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how to be alive

by AER

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Alex Kaiser
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1.
how to be alive 02:22
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can't say i'm alone now i don't feel like enough though not constantly breaking down just freaking out about different things and it's my fault i said that i'm okay same old shit on a different day how are you? i'm not too bad but i left out the part where i'm still sad something in the air is bringing me down it's just the way i woke up with no one around and i'm trying not to drink but some days it's hard some days it's hard and it's my fault, i thought that i was okay some things improved some stayed the same how are you? i'm sleeping much better slowly forgetting of my unsent letter don't speak to me about how to be alive don't speak to me about how to be alive don't speak to me about how to be alive don't speak to me about how to be alive don't speak to me about how to be alive don't speak to me about how to be alive
2.
when i break 03:23
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slowly reintegrating coming back to life it's all by design spent more time with callum and zoe when i'm lonely oh disown me but i just can't seem to shake how when i wake seems like a mistake and i spoke to sam about being beat down he told me it's all about confidence now i'll sort myself out when i break don't want to drag you down with me when i break i disappear from time to time when i break i might need a wider space when i break when it all gets too much i'd like someone there for when i break seems like it's quieter now almost like i can breathe deeply and i try to see more of those that i love if i'm honest i worry i'm too much i worry too much when i break don't want to drag you down with me when i break i disappear from time to time when i break i might need a wider space when i break when it all gets too much i'd like someone there for when i break when i break don't want to drag you down with me when i break i disappear from time to time when i break i might need a wider space when i break when it all gets too much i'd like someone there for when i break
3.
night song 03:37
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sunday night is coming brace yourself sunset like an apocalypse tint the world all rose i survived last time i don't know why is there a plan? i don't think there is and ooh i just want time to pass faster with you i shouldn't live in the past but oh i do nostalgia's got a hold on me so i'll just wait out this night i'm used to it now another night is here haven't said a single word out loud just for fun i thought about dying and how long it'd take to be found i don't think i'm serious i'd have done it by now but i admit the thought crosses my mind from time to time and ooh i just want time to pass faster with you i shouldn't live in the past but oh i do nostalgia's got a hold on me so i'll just wait out this night i'm used to it now just talk about it think about it just don't hurt yourself without it find a way to dance around it slowly you'll forget about it cause these nights and these fights they'll try to bring you down but if you're honest with yourself about it you know you're better than this can i be better than this? ooh i just want time to pass faster with you i shouldn't live in the past but oh i do nostalgia's got a hold on me so i'll just wait out this night i'm used to it now
4.
another life 03:38
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this is where i am i don't love it but i can't change it losing friendships is inevitable to grow you've got to drop some leaves and i'm getting used to goodbye finality isn't all that satisfying i thought i'd have more to say but all my pessimistic self can think is oh, i will meet you in another life and oh, maybe i will get it right then but sometimes things don't work out (it's how it has to be) and honestly i wish i they could it is what it is i'm not trying to be defeatist but i don't know how much energy i can put into this regularly it it what it is and i thought you'd have more to say but ghosts like you don't give away a position on condition on just any day i'm just projecting it's just sad that you're not protecting everything, yeah oh, i will meet you in another life and oh, maybe i will get it right then but sometimes things don't work out (it's how it has to be) and honestly i wish i they could
5.
bloom 03:17
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you feel like spring i'm in bloom feeling things again feels so good was a broken string lost vibrations slow rotations everything else left in my head whole days in bed let my love bloom let my love bloom you saw how i felt before and i don't miss it anymore yeah now it's spring we're in bloom seeing colour again seems so new seems like you want this to bloom let this love bloom was a broken string lost vibrations slow rotations and how i pray that some day we could bloom
6.
bad friend 04:46
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i feel like a bad friend someone i tried to be just wasn't me i shut my mouth when i could say worse i don't write back when you write me i try to spite the things you don't do it's not always on purpose and you know i have love for you i do and here and there i could use being called out like when i got pissed over dinner i know why everything i love seems to die but i can't change things it's always the same thing i feel like a bad friend i feel like you're a bad friend you rearrange priorities so comfortably i don't know if nearly 10 years means we take for granted but i've got a case study and i don't like the results i know why everything i love seems to die but i can't change things it's always the same thing i feel like a bad friend i know why everything i love seems to die but i can't change things it's always the same thing i feel like a bad friend
7.
how to love 03:38
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hey how've you been? i know it's been a while since we last talked i know you won't write back you probably won't hear this but if it's all the same to you i thought i'd check in the worst is behind me but sometimes it feels like the best is too this morning i remembered an in-joke and the way you'd do a voice to tell it i've moved past the constant reminders and put all the holidays and concerts behind us and looking forward i'm hopeful at best That one day it will rain and it won't feel lonely but it might surprise you that i've still not learned how to love and it still seems like all the days are somehow darker even in july i've not learned how to love again
8.
if all this is in my head 02:48
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ever feel like you're out of options? like you tried everything you've seen and i've been searching on 3 different search engines, yeah i'm learning i'm bitter and distant these days maybe this one is gonna be the one to get rid of 'gone' from my vocabulary do you want to feel alive? 'cause it's too late, you can't find a real connection can you love your reflection? so i feel like i'm out of options am i begging and choosing here? and i've been getting just a little bit more estranged every day it's like i'm just a touch more deranged do you want to feel alive? 'cause it's too late, you can't find a real connection can you love your reflection? if all this in my head tell me why i'm alone in bed still do you want to feel alive? 'cause it's too late, you can't find a real connection can you love your reflection?
9.
make you better 02:05
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live your life but not too much and please don't touch i said don't touch why are you so unhappy? just be a bit more happy drink a bit more go and do some fucking drugs go and find someone you could die for yeah i know loneliness sucks but the internet told me that someone could someone could make you better make you better someone who won't hurt you and makes you wetter no upsetter i just want to find myself and fix my health i'm not thinking about wealth anymore maybe i should self preservation never got me anywhere but the internet told me that someone could someone could make you better make you better someone who won't hurt you and makes you wetter no upsetter
10.
mum 03:49
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Early 2000s, just my sister, you and I Calculators in a store where we can't buy Everything we need Every single deed They don't go unnoticed Daisy chains, memories are never gone You and my sister went to go and get the dog All of the time we drove you right around the bend But you're with us despite everything And she said Oh I'm so proud of you And I just cried in the bathroom Sometimes when I feel a little lost She shows me who I'm meant to be and send me on my way again Don't know where I'd be Don't know who I'd be without my mum I'm still the same just as I used to be Just want to give you reasons to be proud of me Only yesterday at a family dinner I felt like a winner 'Cause she said Oh I'm so proud of you And I just cried in the bathroom Sometimes when I feel a little lost She shows me who I'm meant to be and send me on my way again Don't know where I'd be Don't know who I'd be without my mum I don't get to say this enough I'm glad you've been the mother for us Cause I just don't know who I'd be Who I'd be Or where I'd be without you And she said Oh I'm so proud of you And I just cried in the bathroom Sometimes when I feel a little lost She shows me who I'm meant to be and send me on my way again Don't know where I'd be Don't know who I'd be without my mum
11.
quiet 02:56
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12.
vancouver 03:58
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i hear it's nice this time of year i looked the weather up today and part of me still wishing i was going and i'd be there soon but it's not meant to be and that's okay my darling i had best of nights with you i pain to say i hurt you i feel like i let myself down and in some ways i wish i never met you if only not to hurt you if only not to break your heart i'm sorry i never made it i'm sorry i never made it to vancouver somewhere across that ocean if you hate me i hope it helps you but i realised i never thanked you for the light you put in the sky i learned i've got to bleed sometimes get swept by the emotional tides i had my own resentment but sour taste's no replacement i pain to say i hurt you i feel like i let myself down and in some ways i wish i never met you if only not to hurt you if only not to break your heart i'm sorry i never made it i'm sorry i never made it to vancouver say i'm not the one
13.
demons 04:10
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sometime in the third or fourth lockdown i was on my seventeenth or eighteenth breakdown things had just fallen apart she had broken my heart and i said 'let's go to the city' manchester always looked pretty but all lonely and feeling shitty i think it hit different somewhat less vociferant i still think about it a lot i think you'd kill me if you knew how much i cling to the past and i'm not moving faster like i probably should just need a moment to recalibrate find my bearings correcting course gone from just chilling to near three years later and i'm still playing catch-up from 2019 singing 'bout permanence i don't prefer my loneliness i just want to make that clear what's it like on the rich side of town? does everybody look at you like a demon? i thought you'd never be caught dead living downstairs from those you thought wouldn't want you there what's it like back on my side? well the neighbour's still loud but i drown it out would i be crazy to move when i got nothing to lose? sometimes it's like you never left
14.
relate (with Sam Baird) 03:46
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Late out of bed again Too much time with the glass Maybe there's something on there that can make me happy? You'd think I'd have found it by now And I've got friends but I don't wanna see them right now My anxiety tells me they wouldn't want to see me either Understandable, just how I like it Understand, this isn't how I wanted it If you could stop drinking Break the overthinking Save your heart from sinking Maybe you'd be alright It's not that easy, baby Listen to the influencers Going kinda crazy lately Maybe I can relate And I've been driving More than usual Just to try and lift my mood Just to try and improve My mental health Ain't what it used to be And who the fuck are you to speak? Yeah, I probably need therapy But I'm quite content as I am If you could stop drinking Break the overthinking Save your heart from sinking Maybe you'd be alright It's not that easy, baby Listen to the influencers Going kinda crazy lately Maybe I can relate I got another regret but it's over time dilated I don't know if I felt it in the evening or the morning So I lay in bed but I got no reason to stay Which feels like reason enough right now Please try to understand I need to be left a little while If you could stop drinking Break the overthinking Save your heart from sinking Maybe you'd be alright It's not that easy, baby Listen to the influencers Going kinda crazy lately Maybe I can relate
15.
heavy 05:38
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stuck inside a loop that i can't change fucking it up? oh give me a break hey, are you doing okay, are you sleeping alright? no of course not am i stuck inside my own head? saying the same thing over and over over and over i just want to sing about something not heavy 'cause it's all i've done for the last 9 months last 9 months and i know i just need to sing about something not heavy for my mental health my mental health how can i get it to where i just know what i need if don't know what i need i don't know what i need she gave me space and time i'm still pissed that she'd leave wrote a bunch of song just to grieve i think i need a little reprieve i keep on making sounds one of them might turn it around just not this one should i be more than i am? should i be further by now? oh fuck off with the overthinking i just want to sing about something not heavy 'cause it's all i've done for the last 9 months last 9 months and i know i just need to sing about something not heavy for my mental health my mental health i just want to sing about something not heavy 'cause it's all i've done for the last 9 months last 9 months and i know i just need to sing about something not heavy for my mental health my mental health
16.
love to be alive 03:54
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there's something nice about being around people who love to be alive or at least seem to be that way i wish that i could feel that way just ephemeral feelings whiplash has me reeling counting marks on the ceiling how is this living? and i've been socialising slowly realising just how all of my hiding has reality subsiding do you know how that feels? should i tell you how it feels? still find myself writing about how i'm fighting if i can't put all this behind me it's likely no one will find me hidden away if i bleed i might leave but all i need is here it's crazy i know a martyr for show do i even want to be put in the ground is there something to wait out? a party i'm late for? all things considered i guess should stick around there's something nice about being around people who love to be alive i'll try to feel that way but i can't promise anything if i swear i'll do better can i have a moment to breathe? after everything after that one spring i didn't think i could love to be alive again i didn't think no i didn't think no i didn't think i could love to be alive again and i'll try to feel that way and i'll try to feel that way again

about

when i set about writing the second AER album, i knew two things: firstly, i needed to write about more than just heartbreak, and secondly, i needed to make the best album album i'd ever made, and maybe it's narcissistic, but i think i succeeded in both - in my opinion.

'how to be alive' was originally just a song title, until one sleepless night i found myself thinking it over, and realising that those four words perfectly captured what this album was about, it's about surviving, not thriving. getting through the day-to-day.
shortly after that the imagery of plants growing through floorboards presented itself, and i loved the idea of life succeeding against all odds - it made me feel hopeful.

so, these 16 songs are the first time i truly feel i've captured my world as i see it right here and now. i love these songs so much and i am so excited to finally share them with the world.

credits

released May 5, 2023

All songs written & produced by Alex Reade
Additional Vocals on Track 14 by Sam Baird
Additional Vocals on Track 15 by Miles Whittaker

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Alex Reade Music Hatfield, UK

I am a Producer / Composer from Hertfordshire, UK. I create all kinds of different music. Here you can preview and download all my releases under all my different projects.

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